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Two Wittle Monkeys

Date Added: July 19, 2011 02:59:32 PM
Author: Tulani Bridgewater-Kowalski
Category: Blogs: Personal
Caught between a rock and a pickle... I have had many friendquaintances over the years who’ve put me in the path of a freight train barreling uncontrollably toward disaster. You know the type. It starts out fun. Next thing you know, you’re on a highway to Hades. Here’s a sample of some of those ridonkulous types. Like so many Marvel villains, I’ve grouped them into a few categories. Note to my guy’ve dated at least one of these. Word to the wise! Sybil Commonly referred to as “Little Miss Disassociative Identity Disorder” or DID. Oh, no you didn’t! This one starts out normal with just a hint of crazy. At first, it reads as wacky, footloose, fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants. Soon, you’ll recognize that this person has as many facets as cracked cubic zirconia. You don’t know what is going to pop of the box, you just know you’re exhausted and little scared. It’s hard to break up with Sybil. She’s wily, unpredictable and potentially dangerous. At the first whiff of mania, run. I mean run as fast as your sneakers will carry you. May Hermes’ winged golden Pumas appear on your feet. Sybil is fast, so you’ve got to get a head start. Tell her you’re going out for milk and never come back. Trust me. Stepford You’ve met Stepford. She’s perfect. She speaks in even tones. You’re not sure if she’s medicated, drunk or divine. Either she has elves that come out at night to clean her house and iron her kids’ clothes or she is a robot. Unless you’re Martha Stewart’s distant cousin, Stepford will not only make you feel like you’re Roseanne, but you’ll run yourself ragged trying to keep pace. No one can match Stepford. She’s not human! Bait and Switch This is the fabulous Holly Golightly with whom you’ll share cocktails and lattes. She’s your new best friend. She’s quirky, worldly and full of wit. What you don’t know is that she’s on Prozac, her husband has a boyfriend on the side and she’ll want you to keep her kids when she jets off to Betty Ford. This is quicksand. Once you get in, you can never get out. Bait and Switch is a vortex that will suck you into a twister that will destroy your sanity. Duck and cover or kiss your a** goodbye. Vouch for Me Also known as the pathological liar/philanderer/pot-head/laggard. She’s the one who divulges dalliances, theft, early morning wake-and-bake sessions. She’ll want to use your address to enroll her kid in school. She’ll ask you to lie to her husband. She’ll have you babysit until 4am. In short, Vouch for Me sucks. Do yourself a favor and just give it to her straight... “You suck, we’re over!” It works and you’ll feel much better. If not, you’ll be served with a subpoena or get overdue bills in her name to your address. Been there. I swear lie. Damaged Beyond Repair Where to begin? Damaged is a wet, forlorn cat in the middle of the street on a dark, cold night. You think, “Who would do that to such a sweet, helpless thing?” What you don’t know is that someone took that cat and tossed it out on it’s rump after their house was shredded, drapes ripped, carpet filled with urine, computer keyboard chewed and faces permanently scarred. Damaged Beyond Repair is exactly that...beyond repair. It’s like throwing thimbles of water at a house on fire. Your heart is in the right place, but the abyss that is Damaged was dug long before you ever arrived on the scene. You can’t fix Damaged, just leave it alone. Straight Up Crazy Enough said. No really. Crazy is crazy. Unless you’re crazy or want to be crazy, don’t do crazy! In conclusion, I can say that I have an extremely small circle of very good friends. These are the 4am’ers. The people you can call at 4am and they’ll pick up the phone. These friends are the ones who will prop you up when you’re down, laugh with you, cry with you and hold your hair when you’re worshipping at the porcelain altar. They’re the same people for whom you’d post bail if you were their one call from jail in the middle of the night. Just make sure your 4am is worthy. Otherwise, you’ll need to change your number, take alternate routes to work and shop at a different supermarket. In the immortal words of Mr. Spock, “Live long and prosper.”
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